The Hungry Dater

With the rebranding of The Hungry Dater, we’re starting to focus more on “helping people thrive one bite at a time.”  Of course, we still focus on “thriving” mainly through food and relationships.  One of the biggest things that helped me thrive, is using the law of attraction and changing my language to change my life.  Here, of course, we discuss that in the context of dating.  However, I will admit I’ve used this in so many areas of my life, all of which have changed for the better.

So for the next four months, I’m going to do a series on the law of attraction, and how to create your best life by changing your language–both inside and out.

My History with the Law of Attraction

When I first read The Secret, I have to admit I thought it was bullshit. I just couldn’t see how thinking about what you want could get you your dream life.  I understand prayer and I understand faith, but I felt like there has to be some work done in order to get wonder and success you seek.  After reading The Secret, I felt like the teaching was “Even if you just sit around on the couch eating bonbons, so long as you’re thinking about what you want, it will knock on your door.”  That didn’t seem reasonable to me.  I abandoned the study and continued living my life the same way.

Unfortunately, all my attitude got me, was three more years of living less than my best life. Three years later, I read two more “Law of Attraction”-based books, You Are a Badass and The Success Principles. They changed. My. Life.

What I found was a combination of the law of attraction principle of thinking or visualizing to get what you want, and the hard work it takes to get it.  I’m so sorry I didn’t know about it earlier. So if you’re looking to change your life, this is where you start!

Attract “the One” with the Law of Attraction

Here, we focus mostly on the pursuit and cultivation of great relationships. Before I discovered these principles, I constantly told you (and everyone) that I was your “single girl dating guru.” Turns out, I stayed the “single girl dating guru.”  I put it out there, and that’s what the Universe gave me.  The second I changed my language around my relationship status, I met somebody. We’re talking, I can pinpoint the date and it was exactly two months after I changed my language and attitude about my dating life that someone walked into my life. I can’t believe how long it took me to learn this lesson, and I’m hoping that by sharing my experiences, it’ll take you a little less time.

Make a Goal, Make a Plan

The first steps to the law of attraction consist of a “planning” stage.  This is a time to take a breath and figure out exactly what it is you want.  The idea is: how can you expect the Universe to know what you want, if you don’t know yourself?  While faith is good, blind faith will not produce your perfect results.  Essentially, you’re setting a goal, though it feels strange to say that when you’re talking about relationships.

One of the things I noticed in my experience applying these principles to my personal and relationship life, what is that I have consistently been telling people how happy I was in my previous situation. This was my way of “hedging” just in case what I wanted didn’t pan out.  But instead, what I ended up doing was blurring my goal.  By telling everyone how happy I was, I was also telling the Universe how happy I was and how content I would be to stay in my current situation. How can I expect the Universe to take the time and energy to change my status if my current one was great?

“An object in motion stays in motion”

This is the key. The Universe wants us to have exactly the life we desire. It is constantly listening to us to figure out what that might be. When you tell the Universe your current life is perfect and you’re happy, there is no reason to change it because status quo is the easiest motion to maintain. Why would the Universe put in significant effort to change your circumstances when you’re just as happy with the way things are?

This is exactly why it becomes necessary to create extremely specific goals around how you want your life to look.  If you don’t plan or you “hedge” your plans with thoughts and feelings of “it’s okay if…” you’ll lose out on perfection.  All the Universe wants for us is the life that we want. It’s up to us, to decide what that looks like and then give the Universe specific instructions by setting the necessary goals.

What do you really want?

Deciding what we really want can be an extraordinarily intimidating experience. For so much of our lives, we’ve been taught that “Money is evil,” “Men are pigs,” “We are too high maintenance,” “There aren’t enough men in our city,” or even, “Why would any woman want you?”  It’s no wonder it’s so difficult for us to convince ourselves we deserve the life we want, after a lifetime of hearing from others that either it doesn’t exist, or we don’t deserve it.

But we have to un-learn these “lessons” and know that all we want is just a decision away.

For me, it was extraordinarily foreign to decide exactly what I wanted and to face the fear of not getting it.  This was where the hedging always came in. It was all fine and good to want a husband and/or a family, but if I decided that I was happy the way things were at least I wouldn’t get hurt if I didn’t get what my “goal” was. As I said, subsequently, I stayed single.

Our Own Worst Enemies

While there are all these outside influences effecting our decision to allow ourselves our perfect life, we also have these inner restrictions that prevent our perfection from happening.  For instance, it took a lot of time to decide what I wanted, because I’ve never given myself permission to ask for exactly what I wanted in a relationship.  Subsequently, it took some time and some self-exploration to really reveal with my true wants, needs, and goals around my relationship status.  I found I even had to search through other peoples expectations of me that I had been carrying around.  Without knowing which goals were mine and which had been imposed on me, I had no chance to get my perfect life.

Admittedly, this planning process is very uncomfortable. For me, I learned things about myself that I had been hiding from everyone (including me).  It was difficult to bring those things to the surface and face them.  But ultimately, I realized there was no other way to get to my perfect life–and the work is worth it.

Vague Goals Produce Vague Results

In this planning stage, I would say my second hardest obstacle (first is allowing myself to ask for exactly what I wanted) was making specific goals.  I’m all about setting a goal that seems lofty, but then when you get down to the brass tacks of it, it’s actually flimsy.  “I want to make 6 figures,” “I want to own a house at the lake,” “I want a boyfriend who has his own life.”  These are all fine and good, but with all of them, there is so much more information the Universe needs.  Before, I felt imposing timelines, specifics, or real numbers seemed greedy.  But then I realized, “vague goals produce vague results.”  I had no right to expect particular results if I hadn’t even defined what that was.

If you don’t create a specific endgame, how does the Universe know what to provide? It would be like ordering takeout at a diner by saying “Just give me my favorite thing on the menu.”  The waitress would have no idea what order to place.

So my biggest piece of advice regarding these goals is sit with them for a time.  Write them down and then return to them the next day and evaluate the specifics.  “Making more money” could mean $10.  “Making 6 figures” could mean that it happens over a lifetime.  “Getting a boyfriend” says nothing about his personality, accessibility or treatment of you.  “Getting married and having kids” could mean so. Many.  Things.  Be specific.  And then give yourself permission to know you deserve it.

What Do You Have to Lose?

For so long, we’ve been taught there are so many outside factors regarding our relationship status that we can’t plan anything. But what I ended up deciding was, “what do I have to lose by trying?”  What did I lose? My old life was semi-comfortable and fairly happy, but not really what I wanted. Turns out, I had everything to gain–and so do you!  So let’s get started.  Make those goals, believe in the results.  And next month, we’ll get started on the actions you take to manifest the person you’ve been hoping for.

Until then, Happy Cooking and Happy Living!