Dating

In my experiences, I have seen some DISMAL online dating profiles. Anything from fuzzy pictures, to demanding desires in a partner, to simply blank! It strikes me that so many of us just don’t know how to write a great profile. A kick ass online dating profile needs to both reflect our personalities and attract the correct potential partners. Well, luckily I’ve had so much experience in reviewing dating profiles that I can tell you what works, what doesn’t work, and what will set you apart from everyone else!

Now, some of what I have to say is not going to go over well.  Most people want to believe that they should just “be themselves” and the right person will come along and love them for who they are.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t find a person like that to date; but honestly, online dating is all about appealing to the other person.  Unfortunately, online dating is taking a whole person and stripping them down to the bare bones:  Looks and Likes.  And you have to attract another person based on these alone!  Now, of course, once you start dating, then you’re able to get into the nitty gritty of who you really are and hopefully they’ll simply “love you for being you.”  But dating online doesn’t leave a lot open for that.  You have to be who they think they want first, then you can show your uniqueness after you hook them.  Harsh but true.

Pictures Pictures Pictures!

If you learn nothing else from this article, learn that the pictures in an online dating profile are more valuable than anything else in there.

I can’t tell you how many online dating profiles I see that either a) don’t have a picture; b) have fuzzy or unreadable pictures; or c) have pictures where either you can’t tell who the profile owner is or the person isn’t even in the picture!  This is BAD.

I realize that technology has started changing our society.  And I also realize that many people believe that physicality is not the end all be all of a relationship.  I agree with that, except when you’re dating online.  Online dating has taken us back to those days where you “see someone across the bar.”  That “see,” that’s the initial attraction.  And whether we really are evolving to a species of personality-based-relationships or not, when you’re online dating, you have to realize physicality matters.

So if physicality is that important, why do we put such awful pictures of ourselves (or none) on the internet?  It’s crazy!  Who would honestly believe that that fuzzy picture of you at a bar surrounded by 35 drunk college students six years ago would attract and keep a great partner?  And don’t even get me started on those profiles with pictures of sunsets or no pictures at all.

Do you want to know what I think when there are no photos in a profile, or if they’re fuzzy or devoid of people?  That person is ashamed of the way they look or they don’t think they’re attractive.  That’s an INSTANT judgment on that potential partner’s presumptive lack of confidence.  Whether it’s right or not, that’s what people are thinking, so ALWAYS. post. a. photo.  Period.

Your photos are your calling card.  So the very first thing to do is to find some recent, great shots of you that show the whole you.  A headshot, full body shot, and a shot of you doing something you love are the three necessaries.  If you find you don’t have these three photos from the last 6 months to a year, have a friend take some.  Or, if you’re really serious, go have some professional shots taken!  I promise, the payoff is worth it.

***If you actually have a legitimate reason that you can’t post photos online for professional or personal reasons, you should really consider whether online dating is right for you.  Perhaps a matchmaking service would be a better fit.  If you decide to go for it anyway, just make be really up front about why your photos are not of you.  Also, don’t EVER post photos of someone else and pass it off as yourself.  It’s misleading and you start the whole thing on a lie.  Just don’t.

Have a Conversation with a Friend

Once you get your photos set, and you’re ready to start the actual writing process, the first thing you should do is talk to a trusted friend.  Now, I realize some people don’t like telling others that they’re starting to date online.  However, it’s always nice to have someone you can bounce things off of, and I promise the insights you’ll gain are nothing short of amazing.

You want to ask your friend or family member a series of questions.

1.  What are my best attributes as a person?
2. What are my best attributes as a friend?
3. What hobbies do you see me doing the most?
4. What kinds of things do we love to do for fun?
5. What do you think are my three favorite things in life?
6. Who would you see me with as a partner?

Remember to keep these questions open.  You want your friend to have the freedom to put their own spin on the answers and the lack of structure is likely to give you way more insight than a questionnaire on a dating site form.

I realize it seems silly to think your friends might know you better than you know yourself.  But honestly, I do self-exploration a LOT.  And I have to tell you, even though I feel like I know myself better than lots of people, there isn’t anything that replaces a conversation with my closest friends.  They simply notice different things.  And let’s be honest–you’re writing this to connect to other people; and that’s who your friends are!

Evaluate Your Hobbies

For some reason, as a person with LOTS of hobbies, I find this the absolute hardest thing to do when writing my profile.  In my region, saying you like to watch TV is like telling everyone you’re a lazy couch potato with no ambition.  But, while I run several half marathons a year and have hiked the Tahoe Rim Trail with my family, if I say I “love” running and hiking, it’s not altogether true.

You also have to think of your profile (and especially your hobbies) in light of the people you’re “advertising” to.  I swear, if I have to read another profile that simply says “I love the outdoors,” I think I may scream.  I’m sure other areas of the country have other cliches that are frustratingly vague and just “one of the many.”  Trust me, you don’t want to be “one of the many.”

          Match to your area

That being said, you do want to make sure you’re picking the hobbies you love that somewhat match those cliches.  I know it sounds contradictory and confusing (and trust me, it is, that’s why I’m here!); but you essentially want to work within those parameters while still standing out.

For instance, dig deeper into what you love.  For me, I love cooking, eating, and entertaining; but I do also love being outside.  Those are pretty generic.  But, if I said something like “I have people over at least once a month to try new cocktail and tapas recipes,” and “I’ll be honest and say I love camping, but to me that includes a trailer (though anyone who takes a shower is cheating),” and “I have an amazing Bernese Mountain Dog, and while I like to stay in bed on weekend mornings, her favorite time of the day is our walks, so we sacrifice bed time for outdoor time and I’m always glad she got me out for those early morning bliss hours,” those are both relational to my region (food, outdoors), and still true to me (semi-lazy, but willing to overcome it.  Lol).  Honestly, if I told the world I was super outdoorsy and only posted pictures of me on our hikes or my runs, that would portray only a part of myself and I’d end up on dates with men who would scowl any time I just wanted to stay in bed and watch a movie.

          Highlight the ones which would make you seem most fun

I also tend to have issues with too many hobbies.  I love being outside, being with friends, cooking, hosting, watching movies, baking, staying in, going out, crocheting, beading, meeting new people, working for charities, exercising, wine tasting, taking classes, photography, hanging with my dog, puppy class training, volunteering, exploring, traveling…..  The list goes on.  Honestly, it would be way easier if I was one of those weird people who lives to hike….  Or a person who works three months a year and lives in my parents’ basement JUST so I could save enough to travel the other nine months.  At least then I’d have a pretty definable personality.  But that’s just not me.  And really, I think most people are like me: lots of interests.  Most of us have multi-faceted personalities and like LOTS of different things so much that it’s hard to put a finger on what we’re going to like THAT DAY.  Lol.

All that being said, you probably can’t list all of your hobbies in one profile (not only that, but how many men want to know you like to crochet?  Now, if you regularly win crochet contests or you’re a MAN who likes to crochet, that’s a totally fun talking point!).  Instead, you have to pick those that a) you do most often, and b) will make you seem the most fun and attractive to the opposite sex.

Now, before I have 1,000 comments regarding “being true to yourself” and “not wanting to have to appeal to the opposite sex” while writing these profiles, I want us all to remember:  that’s what we’re doing!  I’m all for being true to ourselves, and I think I’ve been incredibly clear that this whole process is to sell YOU.  Your profile is all about what YOU love, who YOU are, what YOU do; but it’s prime purpose is to attract someone else.  That’s the whole point of putting up online dating profiles.

Don’t be too demanding in what you’re looking for

After you get your personal attributes from a friend and a good list of telling hobbies that will fit you in and set you apart (I know, it’s just not fair!), you next need to think of your ideal partner.  Many dating profiles will ask you what you want in someone else.  Honestly, I think this is a mistake to write down all you want in someone else.  How do we really know?  I can’t tell you how many profiles I’ve seen that are essentially a laundry list of what the partner “should be,” and hardly anything about the author!  Every time I experience such a profile, I tend to think “If you expect to get THAT ideal out of a relationship, WTF are YOU offering?”

           Think about your three Non-Negotiables

While I don’t think it’s appropriate to have a laundry list of your “perfect ideal” in your profile, I do think it’s a good idea to keep that in the back of your mind.  Have an idea of what you want.  Know what attributes are musts and which are deal breakers.  Patti Stanger says you have to have “Five Non-Negotiables.”  For me, I think when it comes to writing online dating profiles, three is the magic number.  I also think those you write on your profile shouldn’t be anything physical.  Now, I’m a girl who’s almost exclusively attracted to blondes.  It’s a problem and everyone in my life knows it.  But I don’t ever say that’s a non-negotiable because I’d be alienating others.  That’s not your goal.  Now, if I wanted to be quippy later and say “My heart melts over blue eyes,” that’s different.  It’s a statement and a preference, not a Non-Negotiable.

Non-Negotiables include things like honesty, loyalty, ambition, outgoing nature, kindness, family-oriented, adventurous….  Any personality traits that are key in your life and your relationship.  Things you absolutely could NOT live without.  For me, I could never date anyone who lied to me or who wasn’t ambitious in some way.  Those are two of my three Non-Negotiables.

Be Open to Meeting Lots, but don’t be unrealistic about your wants

One of the things I hear people tell me is “be open.”  There are two sides to my opinion on this statement.  First, I think it’s right.  While we all have this (likely ridiculous) ideal in our heads about what we want, if we get too far in our own heads, we’ll miss out on some great other opportunities.  There might be a tall, dark, and handsome guy out there for me who satisfies my three Non-Negotiables, but who, God forbid, isn’t blonde.  But the other side to this is, do NOT be unrealistic about your true desires.  In other words: No Settling.  There’s no reason to settle.  There’s plenty of people out there for all of us who want partners.  And while no one’s perfect, someone out there is perfect for YOU.  That’s what’s important.

So I will tell you to try not to shrug people off for silly small things.  Especially since online dating profiles only tell half the story, if that.  But I’ll also tell you, being alone is not nearly as awful as realizing you’re with the wrong person.  So make sure to balance the two:  don’t be unrealistic or rigid (sometimes love appears in WEIRD places), but don’t sell yourself short too much either.

Conclusion

Hopefully this helped!  If you still find you’re struggling or you just don’t want the stress of putting this together yourself, contact us!  We actually write profiles for you!  Click here for more information.

Happy Dating!