The Hungry Dater

Grapefruit Martini – The Perfect Pink Valentine’s Drink

February 14, 2020 By The Hungry Dater Leave a Comment

I know I’ve said I’m a seasonal drinker. But really, I have to say, vodka is my all-seasons alcohol. And this Grapefruit Martini, while beautifully pink and perfect for today’s uber-sweet holiday, is a year-round libation for me.

We’ve been a vodka drinking family for an awfully long time. And my “family,” I mean me and my mom. With the exception of his “first sips” of almost every drink the two of us make or order, my dad an appreciator of all, but a connoisseur of beer.

An advantage of having a mom who enjoys vodka and who has amazing culinary skills, is that I am able to come across the most amazing martinis on any night that I want to go to my parents’ house and convince my mom to make me one of her works of art. And in the winter, that usually means a citrus-y sweet and tart Grapefruit Martini.

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Why “The Rules” is NOT on My List of Great Relationship Books

February 12, 2020 By The Hungry Dater Leave a Comment

Last month, I posted my top picks for the best relationship books in 2020. They included: You Are a Badass (not necessarily a relationship book, but a great book on how to find/attract your best relationship into your life), The Five Love Languages, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, The Success Principles, and Become Your Own Matchmaker. The original post can be seen here.

One question I got a lot after that post was published was: Why isn’t The Rules part of that list? Many of my friends and family knew I had previously used The Rules in my dating life. My answer is simple: the Law of Attraction and The Rules are (mostly) mutually exclusive. The explanation for that, however, is fairly complicated.

The Rules as a Culture

The Rules has been a popular dating book for almost three decades. I think the theory behind it is teaching women to respect themselves. In theory, “respect” includes taking things slow to avoid getting stuck in a dud relationship. However, the execution of it seems to be “play more games and you’ll get the guy.” Don’t get me wrong, there are parts of The Rules I think are relevant and good for modern singles. For instance, I agree that if a guy hardly ever returns your calls or never actually takes you on dates (or only calls after 9:00 p.m. — hellooooo Fuck Buddy!), you should respect yourself enough to move on and find someone who likes you more.

So after you get past the basic “Rule” of respecting yourself enough to not be stupid in a relationship, you’re left with a series of Rules that completely negate our work with the Law of Attraction. The problem I see is this: If you are so busy not calling a guy back, not accepting Saturday night dates after Wednesday, ending your dates and phone calls first, and, God forbid, breaking up with someone because he didn’t get you a “romantic gift” for Valentine’s or your birthday… You’re going to stay single for an awfully long time. And hey, sometimes shit happens and everyone forgets to return a phone call every once in a while–and I, too, have received the occasional late night call to “come over.” In addition, chances are, any reasonable guy will go away when you’re practicing those Rules on him because, let’s be honest–those actions are RUDE. If the goal of the Rules is to be respected by men, how come we don’t offer the same respect?

Bottom line, these practices don’t blend with utilizing the Law of Attraction to get your best relationship–and your best life.

The Law of Attraction as a Practice

When we’ve talked here about “Attracting ‘the One’ with the Law of Attraction,” I’ve told my story of how my dating life changed drastically a mere two months after I changed my language and asked the Universe for exactly what I wanted. What we haven’t talked too much about is what happened during our initial dating process. I’m not going to lie, it was tough sometimes. He was newly out of a marriage and absolutely certain that he didn’t want to jump right into another relationship. Who could blame him?

But in thinking back on how we started, I realize that I broke a significant amount of The Rules–and I’m so grateful that I did!

I Followed Some, but Broke More

After we saw each other that first time, I was the one who reached out. I was the one who invited him to hang out. And a week later, I reached out again to show him a funny picture that was relevant to our previous conversations. Now, mind you, his responses were always tentative but enthusiastic. I’d text a funny picture and he’d immediately call and we’d talk for hours (breaking yet another Rule). In other words, I wasn’t being stupid by “chasing” someone who clearly wasn’t into me, but I was actually participating in the dating process to get to know someone I wanted to get to know better.

Don’t get me wrong, there were certain rules I followed: He wasn’t married, we weren’t sleeping together, we didn’t see each other much, I was dating other people, and we took it just about as slow as any two people could manage. But this “following” was inadvertent. I just did what seemed right in response to the situations the Universe presented to me.

The Rules vs. The Law of Attraction

I would say the final nail in the coffin of my Rules practice was the day I took down all of my profiles and completely quit dating other people. We’d been dating for almost 5 months and we had talked a couple of times about his hesitancy to call us “exclusive.” Honestly, I got angry. It had been way longer than any “Rules Girl” would wait for an exclusive relationship. We were spending a fairly significant amounts of time together, and our connection was something I had never felt. But he still hesitated, and I seriously considered walking.

Then something strange happened. Something The Rules writers would probably feel forever ruined the balance of power (i.e., I gave mine up) between us. I realized the Universe was trying to give me exactly what I’d been asking for. But I wasn’t willing to take the leap. I was so afraid of getting hurt that I didn’t want to limit myself in the dating world–even for this connection that appeared to be something special. I was so concerned with a “lack of label” that I was honestly considering walking away from immediate happiness just to avoid being some unknown future version of “unhappy.”

The Law of Attraction REQUIRES a Leap of Faith–The Rules Forbids It

I have to admit, I felt stupid. Here I was, asking him to take a leap of faith I wasn’t willing to take. I realized that all these Rules are a way for women to avoid getting hurt. Or at least to be the first to walk away to “soften the blow” of being hurt. But that’s not the principle of attracting “the One” with the Law of Attraction. So for the first time in my life I trashed the “rules of dating.” I instead chose the Law of Attraction and took the risk of committing before he was ready to commit–and telling him I was doing so–to show the Universe I was ready. I could almost hear The Rules community cringe.

In my experience, The Rules seems to be about safety. But the Law of Attraction is all about taking risks. Jumping into something that makes you incredibly uncomfortable with the possibility you might fall. You might fail. You might come out on the other side of romance with a broken heart and a “wasted” few months. But wait… Are they really wasted? When it comes to dating and relationships, chances are, those few months were heavenly. You probably had a great time. Good sex. Great food. Amazing adventures… You learned a lot. About the other person, but more importantly, you probably learned a lot about yourself. If the fun is in the journey, that journey doesn’t sound half bad!

Definition of Insanity?

So what was it that got me to break the biggest Rule of all? It was a simple question: “Am I going to choose to be ‘single and lonely’ now simply because I fear I’ll be ‘single and lonely’ later?” Sure, there may be some extra hurt during a potential breakup process, but the bottom line is, most of our fears regarding rejection or breaking up has to do with the fear of being single and lonely. I already was. So I realized I was thinking about walking away based on these stupid Rules to get to my status quo of “single and lonely” earlier than I might, if and only if things didn’t work out. All for what? Some stupid power play? Or at its best, the argument was I didn’t want any extra “hurt” of him potentially walking away first.

Many say the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. But in this situation, I have to say, I think a definition of insanity would include keeping yourself at your status quo now simply out of fear that you’ll be back to status quo later. If it sounds stupid and complicated it’s because it IS. Aren’t humans silly?

Be a “Risk Girl” NOT a “Rules Girl”

Again, I want to make it clear that I’m not condoning someone to have one date with a person they think is “perfect” and immediately throw yourself into a relationship with them simply because you are “taking the risk.” But you also can’t expect the Universe to give you what you’re asking for if you aren’t willing to have any skin in the game.

My experience with The Rules is it’s a way for women to practice avoidance. To start dating in a way that you can avoid hurt by running (or finding a reason to run) before you get hurt. But with the Law of Attraction, the Universe only wants to change things for you if you can show it you really want the change. Status quo is easier for everyone–including the Universe. “An object in motion stays in motion.” But if you want change, you have to do the work to change the “motion” of your life.

The Rules gives girls an “out” from taking the risk that is necessary to change your life. A “Rules Girl” will spend her time finding any reason to run away. But a “Risk Girl” will take the situations the Universe is giving her and, while still respecting herself, respect her potential partner enough to take a risk on the possibility of a great relationship.

By the way, not only did I not “get a romantic gift,” but Blossom’s BiFF forgot my birthday last year. (To be fair, I was in Italy and we were only talking on the phone.) Lol. We’re still together, and I still think my life is more awesome with him in it. Another Rule bites the dust, I guess. Hahaha.

Stay Hungry, Daters! Happy Cooking! Happy Dating! Happy Attracting! Just take the risk to be HAPPY!

Best Valentine’s Naturally Gluten Free Peanut Butter Forgotten Kisses

February 10, 2020 By The Hungry Dater Leave a Comment

I used to be a huge fan of The O.C. I have no idea whether this is the actual name for these cookies. But in the Valentine’s Day episode of (I think) the first season (maybe the second), Kirsten calls them “Forgotten Kisses.” Thus, they will forever be known in my house (and on THD) as “Forgotten Kisses.”

Because the month is February is all about Valentine’s, chocolate, and kisses; what better way to celebrate than to make some of these delicious, kiss-themed, gluten free peanut butter cookies???…

Kir Royale – The Award for Most Beautiful Cocktail Goes To…

February 7, 2020 By The Hungry Dater Leave a Comment

I have to say, I actually love February and the Valentine’s time of year. Why? The colors, hearts, and flavors of course! What other holiday can be touted with red hearts, chocolate everything, and the sweetest pinkest cocktails? This Kir Royale definitely checks all the Valentine’s boxes….

Specific Goals for a Specific Life

February 5, 2020 By The Hungry Dater Leave a Comment

“Vague goals produce vague results.” This is a major theme in the teachings of both Jen Sincero (You Are a Badass) and Jack Canfield (The Success Principles). They are two of my favorite teachers in the world of living your best life. So the deal is, the more specific the goals, the better your results will be.

I can’t thank you all enough for your patience with me. This New Year. I’ve been tested to utilize my own teachings a LOT. Subsequently, I’ve really struggled with staying on top of things here at THD. But as promised, here is the post on “specific goals” originally planned for the first week in January (and here we are in the first week of February–insert eyeroll here):

New Years’ Resolutions…

The beginning of the year is a great time for those of us who are looking to re-affirm our commitments to living our best lives. However, New Years is a time when most people create “resolutions.” All too often those resolutions are forgotten with the start of February and the promise of spring. I just read the other day the top 10 resolutions are as follows (as reported by Time online here):

Now, don’t get me wrong, this is a great list. And if New Years is what it takes for us to better our lives and the world, I’m all for that. However, what I’ve noticed with these “resolutions” is people don’t stick with them because they really aren’t goals. And what’s more–they aren’t specific.

Resolutions? Nope. GOALS!

As we’ve discussed in the series “Attracting ‘the One’ with the Law of Attraction,” the Universe wants us to have exactly the life we want. However, it’s difficult (both for us and for the Universe) to hone in on exactly what that is if we haven’t thought it out with specific goals or visions in mind.

“Specific goals” seems like such an easy concept. Then you get into it and realize there is a LOT to specificity. Jack Canfield, author of The Success Principles (buy your copy here), says that he will have his clients make their “specific” goals and then he helps them whittle them down even 5 or 6 times further. He does so by asking detailed questions about what the client really means. The questions include timeline, type, detail, places, people, and numbers.

Specificity

Resolutions don’t usually offer this kind of specificity. “Lose Weight and Get Fit” leaves a lot to be desired. This is why I really think New Years resolutions should be changed to “Goals for the New Year.” And while I had intended and planned for this post to be in January, perhaps it’s fitting it’s being posted in February as that is the time when these “resolutions” tend to start waning. But because these aren’t resolutions, they’re goals, hopefully starting in February will push us through that February drop off. We want our goals to stick.

I have always liked making goals. I like the process of sitting down, dreaming out my best life, and making a written plan of how I’m going to get there. But make no mistake, it still isn’t easy for me to make the goals specific enough to really make a dent. Even for someone like me who not only likes making goals but who has studied these principles extensively (and teaches them to others), the specificity can be really difficult to nail down.

Specificity: Harder than it Looks

My problem lies with making specific goals. I find that even when I think my goals are specific, they aren’t specific enough to show the Universe what I really want and need. I know that if Jack ever took any of my goals that I have already whittled down significantly, he’d have roughly 1800 more questions which would make the goals even more specific within minutes.

So now that it’s February and all the “resolution” making is out of all our systems, this really is a great month to sit down and make our new goals and make sure they are as specific as possible so our new lives can begin!

The best way to go about getting your goals as specific as possible is to sit down just like you would on any other goal making day. Write down between 5 and 10 of your best goals for the month, the year, the decade, or just your life in general. Don’t worry about specificity right away, just write the goals as they come to you. Make sure they are important to you. You can even take the resolution list you may have made last month and turn them into goals.

First Pass

Once you have your goals written down as they’re supposed to be, go back and reread them. Look at them with a new eye and see where maybe you’re being vague. The first on the list of resolutions is a great example: “Lose Weight and Get Fit” is really vague. As you look at your goals with a more careful eye, go back through and write more specifics below each goal. In the previous example, some great ways you could specify are 1) how much weight; 2) what does fitness mean to you? Is it a body fat percentage, how much you can bench press, how much you weigh, or how often you go to the gym? These will all give you insights into making a better goal for yourself; and 3) how much time are you giving yourself to achieve your goal? Once you look inside yourself and get more specific answers to these specific questions, you’ll be better on your way to more specific goals and more specific results.

Look Deeper…

After you answer these questions around your original goals, look at the goals and the answers as a whole and re-write your goals with the specifics included. For instance, in our above example, you may have written “1) lose 20 lbs.; 2) be able to do 10 pull ups and have a BMI below 25; 3) I want to do this in 6 months.” These are all much more specific answers. So when you look at your original goal “Lose Weight and Get Fit” in addition to your new answers, your new, more specific goal may be something along the lines of “I want to lose 20 lbs., have a BMI below 25, and be able to do 10 pull ups: all in 6 months.”

Aaaaaaaand DEEPER.

Obviously, this is much more specific. However, here is where Jack would tell you it still isn’t good enough. And once he started asking you more questions, you’d feel silly that you thought it was so specific initially. He’d say, “How are you going to lose that weight? What habits do you need to develop? Are you going to run, eat better, go to the gym? If so, what specific eating habits are you going to cultivate? How many vegetable servings will you eat every day? Will you run a certain number of miles per week? How often? What time on what days will you go to the gym? If you want a BMI below 25, does that mean you want it to be 24.99? Or is there a specific number you want? “In six months?” Six months from when? What date and time will you expect for your 20 lbs. to be absolutely off your body? How do you plan to train to do pull ups?

It gets to the point where it seems ridiculous. But the exercise speaks for itself. Suddenly we realize we’ve been “ho-humming” our way through our goal making–which, when you think about it, is one of THE most important things of our lives when it comes to living your best life.

Specificity is Loooooooooooooooong

One of the things I’ve noticed with these specific goals is, I used to make a goal that was a line or so long. They could easily be made to be a list because a single-lined goal makes a great bullet point. But what I discovered in using these new goal-making skills is, real goals–the specific ones that actually get results–are actually quite long. They should be like writing an entire paragraph of plans, times, numbers, and instructions.

After you get your goal down, go back one more time and look at the language you’ve used. Did you say things like “I want to” or “I’ll try”? If so, that’s the next change that has to be made. These goals have to be written like it’s already done. “At 10:30 a.m. on August 5, 2020, I weigh 150 lbs and can do 10 pull ups. To get there I’m going to the gym Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays at 6:30 a.m., rain or shine, for one hour to be spent on the treadmill, pull up machine, weight room, and stationary bike in 4 circuits of 15 minutes, switching the weight exercises every week.”

Even after you get your whole paragraph down, it may behoove you to take a week and go back and look to make sure you haven’t missed anything.

Conclusion? Worth it Work.

If this seems like a lot of work, it is. But what I’ve learned is that if you REALLY want a different life, if it’s really important enough to you, the work shouldn’t feel onerous. In fact, it should be fun! In addition, in making these goals–making sure your language is specific and as if it’s already happened–you’re actually able to practice a lot of the other Law of Attraction skills that will help bring your goals closer. You’ll be forced to visualize your life and what it will be like when you achieve your goals. You’ll pay super close attention to your language (positive only, people!), and you can even make sure to write these goals from a place of gratitude. All these skills will bring them closer.

If you have questions, make sure to comment below.

Happy belated New Years! And happy goal making! The Universe wants this for you. Don’t ever forget that. Go get ’em!!!

The Best Ever Lemon Shortbread Tart

February 3, 2020 By The Hungry Dater 3 Comments

I know I’ve said it before, winter is not my favorite. But ever since law school, there is one thing about winter I LOVE. And that’s the citrus. My favorite expression of citrus is this lemon tart with shortbread crust.

It sounds strange that something so traditionally so summer feeling should be my favorite thing about this markedly barren time of year, produce-wise. But when I was in law school in San Francisco, I had a friend whose family owned a house in Napa Valley. Every year in January and February, he would bring me bags of lemons, Meyer lemons and the occasional orange. In return for this wonderful gift (food–and especially home grown food–makes the best gifts), I would make a double batch of this Lemon Tart and give him one….

The Farmer’s Dog Saves Us Valuable TIME

January 17, 2020 By The Hungry Dater Leave a Comment

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Usually when we’re discussing saving time it’s in relation to cooking human food. But there’s also a huge time-saving factor when we’re trying to keep our beloved pets healthy. That’s where The Farmer’s Dog comes in.

I lost my Flower to “the Big C.” (#dogcancersucks) You can read more about that here. Throughout the experience, I learned so much about our dogs’ diets and what we feed them. Honestly, it was frightening. Between the subpar ingredients, the overseas manufacturing, and the chemical cooking processes; it’s a wonder any of our pets AVOID dying of cancer. I found myself in Costco one day, walking around with a calculator, adding up the cost of making Flower’s food myself. Aside from the time factor alone, even at Costco, to feed a dog of Flower’s size with any sort of higher-quality food; would have cost me upwards of $100-$200/week. Now, I can easily spend that at Costco, but I have to say, I’ve never done it just for my dog. I’m a good dog mom, but I’d never been that good.

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The Law of Attraction — One Year Later

January 15, 2020 By The Hungry Dater Leave a Comment

When The Hungry Dater went through its rebrand last year, I started focusing on “living your best life.” Through that, we started conversations about the Law of Attraction, The Success Principles, and how to tell the Universe exactly what you want. All you do after that is work toward your goals, knowing they will happen even if you don’t know how.

I am entirely self-educated in this area. I have read, researched, taken classes, and studied my little heart out so that I could make my own life better. Throughout that journey, I realized a calling to teach other people how to improve their lives too.

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Traditional Hot Toddy with a Twist – 12 Days of Cocktails Day 7

January 10, 2020 By The Hungry Dater Leave a Comment

Sometimes you get home from work after a long cold-ass winter’s day, and all you want are 1) a cocktail; and 2) something warm. Usually for me these two things don’t go together. This ends in one of two ways: either I double fist with a cup of tea and a cocktail or glass of wine, or I turn to this spectacular Hot Toddy cocktail that covers both bases at once!

I went to one of my favorite bars in Reno one time called Chapel and it was one of the nights that a Hot Toddy was probably the ONLY thing that was going to satisfy me. But when I ordered one, it came with a bit of a surprise: a ghost pepper floated at the top of the glass. At that point, I was wary of spicy things, but I decided to try it anyway. It turns out, the pepper in the glass just blew the whole flavor out of the water! The addition of the pepper made this cocktail warm me up in ways I never imagined.

Needless to say, I don’t think I’ll ever again make a Toddy without the Cayenne Pepper.

Happy Cooking!

Traditional Hot Toddy with a Twist - 12 Days of Cocktails Day 7

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Ingredients

8 Oz. Water, boiled
Juice of 1 Lemon
1 Tablespoon Honey
⅛ - ¼ teaspoon Cayenne (or to taste)
1½ Oz. Bourbon (I prefer Four Roses)

Instructions

Boil the Water.
Add Lemon Juice and Honey and stir well.
Add Bourbon.
Top with sprinkling of Cayenne.
Enjoy!

The BEST Healthy Creamy Tomato Soup

January 6, 2020 By The Hungry Dater Leave a Comment

I found a version of this Healthy Creamy Tomato Soup in Cooking Light Magazine roughly a thousand years ago. I was still in college and didn’t really know how to cook. I knew I liked reading Cooking Light, and a couple of other cooking publications, but I didn’t really know what to do with that.

Every year, when the winter comes, I get sortof depressive. Christmas is over and there’s very little light, so the SAD really sets in. At these times, comfort food abounds in my kitchen. It’s also a time when nothing sounds better than a bowl of soup. This Healthy Creamy Tomato Soup is the perfect comfort soup. Comfort food often comes with some health sacrifices. Luckily, this one has some secret ingredients that make it amazingly tasty and comforting, while still being wonderfully healthy. Plus, Lycopene…. Score!

I can’t even describe how much I love Creamy Tomato Soup. I love it with bread, I love it with grilled cheese, and I love it on it’s own on a rainy afternoon. I actually tend to love it so much that I used to make double batches of it every year. But I recently realized that I often throw one or two bowls away because they get shoved to the back of the freezer and forgotten. So nowadays, tend to make it twice. Luckily it’s easy.

So, I’ll welcome the cold weather and short days with a nice hot bowl of my favorite soup. This one is definitely a favorite for me. Hopefully, it will make the list of your favorites too!